Lu Zhishen meets an old man in need and offers to use his monk training to help the guy out. Wait, what monk training?
Transcript
Welcome to the Water Margin Podcast. This is episode 9.
Last time, Lu Zhishen’s life as a monk did not get off to a smooth start, as he went on a drunken rampage in the monastery. He should have been expelled for that, but when your sponsor also happens to be a major donor to the monastery, well, you get special treatments. Still, he was put on notice by the abbot, and he was scared into line for a few months. But then he ventured into the market town at the foot of the mountain and got blitzed at a tavern. On his way back up the mountain, he decided to do a little drunken kung fu and ended up taking down half of a pavilion.
The gatekeepers at the monastery heard the ruckus and saw him stumbling up the mountain. This time, they didn’t even bother trying to stop him with bamboo poles. They just ran inside and locked the front gates. Peeking through the seam between the double door, they could see Lu Zhishen approaching. As he staggered closer, he noticed that the gates were locked. So he lifted up his giant fists and started pounding on the door, demanding to be let in. Of course, the gatekeepers were NOT going to do that.
After some fruitless pounding on the doors, Lu Zhishen turned around and saw the Buddhist guardian idol on the left side of the gate, basically a really tall, fierce-looking statue of a god.
“Damn you, big guy!” Zhishen cursed the statue. “You should be helping me knock, but instead you’re trying to scare me with your fist. Well, I’m not afraid of you!”
So he jumped onto the platform where the idol stood, ripped off the railings around the idol as if he was pulling up green onions. He then picked up a piece of a broken post and started beating the idol’s legs with it. He hit the thing so hard that plaster and paint were coming off.
Peeking from inside the double doors, the gatekeepers saw what he was doing and rushed off to tell the abbot. Meanwhile, Zhishen waited a bit to see if anyone would open the gates. When no one did, he turned to his right, looked at the idol on that side, and cursed, “You bastard. You’re opening your big mouth to laugh at me, too!”
So he now jumped over to that idol and started whacking its legs with the broken post. This idol was apparently of inferior workshmanship than the other, because after just a couple whacks, it tumbled over onto the ground with a loud crash, prompting Lu Zhishen to laugh raucously while holding the broken post.
Inside the monastery, the gatekeepers found the abbot and told him what was happening. The abbot told them, “Don’t provoke him; just go about your business.”
When the monastery staff heard this, they all ran to the abbey and said the abbot, “That feral cat is very drunk. He wrecked the pavilion and damaged the idols. What should we do?”
But the abbot told them, “As the old saying goes, even the emperor has to give a drunkard a wide berth, much less me. If he damages the idols, then we’ll have his sponsor, Squire Zhao, come put up a new one. Same with the pavilion. Just let him be.”
But the other monks were not going to take it anymore. They said, “The idols are the lords of the gate, how can we switch them out that lightly?”
“Look, nevermind the gate idols,” the abbot retorted. “Even if he damaged the statues of the Buddhas themselves, what can we do about it? Just stay out of his way. You all saw that other time how savage he can be.”
The monks did not like that, though. As they left the abbey, they all agreed that the abbot had lost it. They told the gatekeepers to keep the doors shut and just listen from the inside. And here’s what they heard.
“You mother-raping bald donkeys! If you don’t let me in, I will start a fire and burn this place to the ground!”
When the monks heard that, they shouted for the gatekeepers to unbar the front gates.
“Let that brute in,” they said. “Otherwise, he might actually do it.”
So the gatekeepers tiptoed over to the doors and pulled out the bar, and then scurried off and hid in a room, and all the other monks made themselves scarce as well.
On the other side, Lu Zhishen gave the doors another hard push, not knowing that they had been unbarred. The doors gave way, sending him tumbling forward, tripping over the doorstop and falling onto the ground. He got up, rubbed his head, and went to the monks’ hall. A bunch of monks were in the middle of meditation when he crashed in. The monks looked up and were startled, and then immediately looked back down as if they didn’t see anything. When he got to his own spot in the hall, Lu Zhishen suddenly felt something warm in his throat, and he bent over and hurled, throwing up all the wine and meat he had consumed earlier. The stench was overpowering, and all the monks covered their noses and said a prayer.
After emptying the contents of his stomach, Lu Zhishen climbed onto his pallet, took off his cassock and girdle, ripping them in the process. As he did so, he took out the dog leg he had stashed away.
“Great! I was just getting hungry,” he said as he started tearing into the meat. To the other monks, watching him eat meat was even worse than having to smell his vomit, and they all covered their faces. The monks closest to him tried to stay as far away as they could. Lu Zhishen tore off a piece of dog meat and offered it to the monk on his left.
“Here, you try some, too.”
The monk covered his face tightly with his sleeves.
“You won’t eat?” said Zhishen as he tried to shove the meat into the corner of the man’s mouth. The monk tried to get off his pallet and run away, but Zhishen grabbed him by the ear and shoved the meat into his mouth. Four or five other monks tried to intervene, but Zhishen tossed the dog meat aside and started literally knocking some heads together. In an instant, it was pandemonium in the hall. All the monks started shouting, and they all rushed to the closets, grabbed their cassocks and bowls and said they were leaving the monastery, and the elder could do little to stop them.
Lu Zhishen was just getting revved up though. He now started fighting his way out. Most of the monks had fled to the cloisters. This time, the supervisor and deacon didn’t bother telling the abbot. Instead, they rounded up a bunch of monks on duty, along with the caretakers, cooks, janitors, sedan-chair carriers, almost 200 people in all. They armed themselves with clubs, pitchforks, and staffs, wrapped bandanas around their heads, and came charging into the monks’ hall.
When Lu Zhishen saw this, he let out a mighty roar. He had no weapons, so he ran into the meditation room, knocked over the altar table in front of the idol of the Buddha, tore off two of the table legs, and charged out again. Met with this ferocious sight, the monks all retreated to the cloisters. Wielding the two table legs, Zhishen stormed in after them. They closed in around him, but that only enraged him further. Swinging the tables legs this way and that, he left his mark on many a monk. The novel described it as, quote, “Only those with two heads were spared.” In other words, nobody was spared.
When Lu Zhishen fought his way to the preaching hall, he heard the abbot shouting, “Zhishen, stop! Everyone, stop!”
By now, more than a dozen men had already been wounded. When they saw the abbot approaching, they all dispersed. Lu Zhishen was now more or less sober. He tossed the table legs aside and shouted, “Abbot, you have to get my back.”
Get your back? Are you serious? The abbot told him, “You have put me in a tough spot. The last time you got drunk and caused a ruckus, I told your cousin Squire Zhao about it, and he wrote a letter apologizing to everyone. And now, you have gotten so drunk and acted so recklessly, disrupting our pure way of life, knocking over the pavilion, and damaging the gate idols. Putting that aside, you’ve caused a mass exodus among the other monks. This is no small offense. This monastery is built on the place where the Manjusri bodhisattva once meditated. For centuries these hallowed grounds have known only tranquility and the fragrance of incense. How can we put up with the likes of you? Come stay with me in the abbey for a few days, and then I’ll arrange for you to go somewhere else.”
So Lu Zhishen followed the abbot to the abbey and spent the night there. The abbot told the supervisor to convince the other monks to stay and go back to their meditations while tending to the injured ones.
The next day, the abbot consulted with the elder, and they decided to give Lu Zhishen some money and send him elsewhere. First though, they had to let Squire Zhao know. So the abbot wrote a letter and sent two messengers to deliver it. The squire was naturally quite upset to learn what had happened. He wrote back and told the abbot, “I will repair the damaged idols and pavilion shortly. As for Zhishen, you may deal with him as you see fit.”
Upon receiving this reply, the abbot told his assistant to fetch a black cloth cassock, a pair of monk shoes, and 10 taels of silver, and then he summoned Zhishen.
“The first time you got drunk and caused a ruckus, you didn’t know any better,” the abbot said. “But this time, you got drunk again, damaged the idols, knocked over the pavilion, and caused a riot in the meditation hall. That is a serious offense. You also injured many monks. This is a monastery, a peaceful place. Your actions have been terrible. As a favor to your sponsor, Squire Zhao, I have written this letter to send you to another place where you can stay. We cannot have you here any longer.”
“Where are you sending me, master?” Lu Zhishen asked.
“I have a Buddhist brother who is the abbot at the Great Xiangguo (4,2) Monastery in the capital. His name is Zhiqing (4,1). I have written this letter, asking him to give you a job there. Last night, I had a vision and composed a four-line prophecy to guide your destiny.”
Zhishen kneeled and said, “I would like to hear the prophecy.”
The abbot now said,
Take action in the forest,
Prosper in the mountain,
Flourish amid the waters,
But halt at the river.
Lu Zhishen memorized those four lines, which basically advised him to climb every mountain and ford every stream. He then kowtowed to the abbot 9 times, grabbed his bags, stashed away the letter, and took his leave.
Upon leaving the mountain, he went and stayed at the inn next to the blacksmith’s shop in the market town to wait for his Buddhist staff and knife to be finished. Meanwhile, the monks in the monastery were throwing a gone party. The abbot instructed the workers to repair the damaged idols and pavilions. Within a few days, Squire Zhao personally came to deliver a big check to pay for the repairs, and all was well again.
After staying at the inn for a few days, Lu Zhishen picked up his new staff and knife. He made a sheath for the knife and had the staff painted. He also gave some extra silver to the blacksmith for a job well done. Then, he hit the road again, heading toward the capital. Along the way, he never sought shelter at any monasteries, but only at regular inns, you know, places where he could get wine and meat. In this way, more than half a month passed on the road.
One day, as Zhishen was walking, he became so taken with the beautiful scenery that he didn’t notice that night was creeping in. All the sudden, he found himself in that dreaded position of being in the middle of nowhere with darkness approaching.
He pressed on past another 10 miles of farmland before crossing a wooden plank bridge. In the distance, shimmering beneath scarlet sunset clouds, he saw a manor house in a grove of trees. Behind the manor were massive, tumbling mountains.
“I better ask for lodging at that manor,” Zhishen said to himself. So he rushed over to the house and saw a few dozen workhands rushing to and fro, moving this and that. Zhishen put down his staff and greeted one of the men.
The workhand said to him, “Monk, what are you doing here?”
“I could not reach an inn before dark, so I would like to ask for lodging at your manor tonight. I will leave in the morning.”
“We have business here tonight. You can’t stay here,” the workhand said dismissively.
“Just let me stay one night. I’ll leave tomorrow morning.”
“Monk, get out of here already. Stop hanging around here unless you want to die!”
“Well that’s strange talk. What’s the big deal about staying the night? What do you mean ‘unless I want to die?’ ”
“Are you leaving or not?! If not, then you’re going to get tied up!”
Well, the workhand chose his words … poorly. An agitated Lu Zhishen glowered, “You bumpkins are so rude! I didn’t even say a bad word about you, and you’re threatening to tie me up.”
The other workhands now got involved, some joining in the war of words while the smarter ones tried to defuse the situation. Lu Zhishen grabbed his staff and was just about to let loose when an old man came out of the manor. He was nearing 60 and walked with a cane. He approached and shouted at his workhands, “What are you fussing about?”
“This monk wants to beat us,” the men said.
Lu Zhishen said to the old man, “I am a monk from Wutai Mountain, on an errand to the capital. I couldn’t make it to an inn tonight and asked for lodging here. But that workhand was so rude and threatened to tie me up.”
The old man said, “Since you’re a monk from Wutai Mountain, then please come with me.”
So Zhishen followed the old man into the main hall and sat down as host and guest.
“Reverend, please don’t take it personally,” the old man said. “The workhands didn’t realize you were from a holy place. They thought you were just some ordinary monk. I have always respected Buddha, his teachings, and his disciples. Even though we do have business here tonight, we can let you stay.”
Hearing this, Zhishen leaned his staff against the wall, rose, and bowed to thank the old man and asked for his name.
“My last name is Liu (2),” the old man said. “This place is called Peach Blossom Village, and the villagers all call me Grandpa Liu of Peach Blossom Village. May I ask what your name is?”
“My abbot gave me a Buddhist name. My family name is Lu, and my name is Lu Zhishen.”
“Reverend, please have some dinner. Do you abstain from meat?”
“I do not abstain from meat or wine. The wine can be clear or cloudy. The meat can be beef or dog. I’ll eat them all.”
“Well, since you don’t abstain, then I’ll have the men bring you wine and meat,” Grandpa Liu said.
Before long, a workman had set up a table, brought out a tray of beef, along with a few vegetable dishes and a set of chopsticks. Zhishen untied the various bundles he had been carrying and sat down. The workman warmed up a bottle of wine, brought out a cup, and poured for Zhishen. Never one to stand on ceremony, Zhishen helped himself and soon demolished the wine and the beef. Grandpa Liu was sitting across from him and was dumbfounded watching him devour the food. The workman then brought out the rice, which Zhishen also inhaled.
After the table was removed, Grandpa Liu told Zhishen, “Reverend, we will set you up in the wing next door. Tonight, if you hear commotion outside, whatever you do, don’t come out.”
“What’s going on here tonight?” Zhishen asked.
“[Sigh] It’s nothing you monks need to worry about.”
“Sir, you don’t look very happy. Are you mad at me for intruding? I’ll pay you for the lodging tomorrow.”
“Reverend, please. We give food and shelter to monks all the time, so what difference does one more make? No, it’s just that tonight my daughter is getting married and bringing a son-in-law into the family. That’s why I’m troubled.”
When he heard this, Zhishen burst out laughing. “When sons and daughters are grown, they must get married. That’s an important event in everyone’s life and perfectly normal. Why are you upset about it?”
“You don’t understand,” Grandpa Liu said. “We didn’t want this marriage.”
“Sir, you’re too silly,” Zhishen laughed again. “If your family did not want this marriage, then why did you agree to it?”
“I only have this one daughter, and she’s 19,” Grandpa Liu explained. “There is a mountain here called Peach Blossom Mountain. Recently, two bandit leaders have set up a stronghold on that mountain and assembled about 700 men to loot and pillage. The authorities from Qing (1) Prefecture tried to apprehend them, but could not stop them. A few days ago, one of the bandit leaders came to our manor to collect tribute. He saw my daughter and left 20 taels of gold and a bolt of red satin as an engagement pledge. He picked tonight for the wedding. He said they would be married here. I am no match for him, so I could only consent. That is why I’m upset. It’s not because of you.”
When he heard the backstory, Zhishen said, “So that’s what this is all about. Well, I have a way to make him change his mind about marrying your daughter. Would that do?”
“He’s a cold-blooded devil,” Grandpa Liu said. “How can you change his mind?”
“When I was at Wutai Mountain, the abbot taught me the Buddhist Laws of Logic. Now, I can talk a man around even if he’s made of stone or steel. Tonight, hide your daughter elsewhere, and I’ll talk to him in your daughter’s room and make him change his mind.”
“That sounds good, but don’t provoke him,” Grandpa Liu cautioned.
“I want to live, too,” Zhishen said. “Just do what I say, and don’t mention anything about me to him.”
“That’s great,” Grandpa Liu said. “How fortunate we are to have a Buddha like you come down from heaven!”
Grandpa Liu now asked Zhishen if he wanted any more rice, to which he replied, “I don’t need any more rice, but if you’ve got more wine, then bring some.”
Well sure thing, living Buddha. The old man told his workhands to bring out a goose and serve Zhishen more wine in large bowls. Zhishen downed about 30 bowls of wine and finished the entire goose. He then told the workhand to store his luggage in his room first, while he carried his staff and knife. By now, Grandpa Liu had sent his daughter to a neighbor’s house, so Zhishen asked the old man to lead him to the bridal chamber.
Once there, Zhishen told him to make himself scarce. So the old man and his workhands left to finish making preparations for the wedding. Zhishen, meanwhile, pushed aside all the tables and chairs in the room, put his knife at the head of the bed, and leaned his staff against the side of the bed. Then he climbed into bed, put down the curtains around the bed, and stripped himself naked and waited. Oh yes, this is going to be one helluva counseling session.
Soon, darkness fell, and Grandpa Liu told his men to light a bunch of lanterns. A long table with incense, lamps, and candles was set up on the threshing ground. Grandpa Liu ordered his men to prepare large platters of meat and a big pot of warm wine.
Around 7 o’clock, they heard the sound of gongs and drums coming from the mountain. Grandpa Liu and all his men were holding their breath as they went outside to take a look. They saw about 40 or 50 torches coming in the distance as a group of riders galloped this way.
Grandpa Liu immediately told his men to open the manor gates and welcome their “guests.” The throng of visitors arrived, hoisting gleaming weapons and banners bedecked with red and green ribbons. All the bandit lackeys wore wildflowers in their hair. In the front were several pairs of red gauze lanterns, casting light on the bandit chieftain. On his head was a red, peaked hat, indented in the front, with a lifelike silk flower tucked under it beside his ear. His powerful frame was draped in a green silk robe embroidered with gold thread, bordered with wool, and bound at the waist by a gold-spangled red sash. He wore high-heeled leather boots and rode a big white horse with curly mane.
The chieftain dismounted in front of the manor, and his men all congratulated him in one voice, saying, “In a shiny new hat, tonight you’ll be a bridegroom. In well-fitting clothes, tonight, you’ll be a son-in-law.”
Grandpa Liu, meanwhile, hurried forward and poured a cup of wine and kneeled, along with all his men. The chieftain helped him up, saying, “You’re my father-in-law; why are you kneeling to me?”
“Don’t say that,” Grandpa Liu said. “I am but a man under your jurisdiction.”
That chieftain had been pregaming before he arrived, and he was already buzzing pretty good. He now laughed raucously and said, “You’ll make out pretty well with me for a son-in-law. I’m the right match for your daughter. My brother, our leader, is staying on the mountain, but he sends his regards.”
Grandpa Liu then offered this chieftain a cup of wine and escorted him to the threshing ground. When he saw the candles and lanterns and such, he said, “Father-in-law, you didn’t have to do all this.” He then drank three more cups and proceeded to the main hall. His men hitched his horse to a tree and started playing drums and gongs outside the hall.
Seated in the hall, the chieftain called out, “Father-in-law, where is my wife?”
“She is shy and does not dare to come out,” Grandpa Liu replied.
The chieftain laughed. “Bring me wine. I must offer my father-in-law a toast in return.”
After the toast, the chieftain said, “I want to go see my wife first, and then we’ll drink.”
Now, Grandpa Liu was thinking that ok, this is where that monk is going to have a nice, calm zen session to convince this guy that he doesn’t really want to marry my daughter, so he led the bandit to the bridal chamber. Standing outside, Grandpa Liu pointed into the room and said, “Here’s the room. Please go in.” He then scurried away, since he had no idea if the monk was going to succeed or not.
Back at the bridal chamber, the bandit chieftain pushed open the door and saw that it was pitch black inside.
“Man, that father-in-law of mine is such a frugal manager,” he muttered. “He won’t even light a lamp in here and instead made my wife sit in the dark. Tomorrow, I’m going to have my men deliver a bucket of good lamp oil to him.”
Hearing this talk from inside the bed, Lu Zhishen tried as hard as he could to muffle his laughter and sit quietly. The chieftain felt his way into the room, calling out, “Honey, why didn’t you come out to greet me? No need to be shy. Tomorrow you will be the mistress of my fortress.”
Slowly, he felt his way around the room. He felt the curtains hanging over the bed, so he lifted them up, reached inside, and grabbed … Lu Zhishen’s belly.
In that split second, Lu Zhishen reached out, grabbed the bandit by his head scarf, and pushed him down on the bed. The chieftain tried to struggle, but Lu Zhishen raised his right fist and cursed, “Mother-raping thief!” and started punching him.
“Hey, why are you beating your husband?!” the chieftain exclaimed.
“Come meet your wife!” Lu Zhishen shot back. He dragged the bandit to the edge of the bed and started punching and kicking him, to the point where the chieftain started crying out for help.
While this was happening, Grandpa Liu looked on with mouth agape. He thought Lu Zhishen was going to talk to the guy. But now he was hearing cries for help coming from the bridal chamber. So he hurried inside with a lamp, accompanied by the other bandits. In the dim light, they could see a fat monk, in the buff, sitting on top of the chieftain on the bed, beating the crap out of him.
“Everyone, come rescue our chief!” the head of the bandit lackeys cried out. All the bandits now rushed in with weapons. When Lu Zhishen saw this, he left the chieftain, grabbed his staff from the edge of the bed, and charged out. When the bandits saw this ferocious sight, they all ran away. And Grandpa Liu could only bemoan the repercussions that would surely follow.
In the chaos, that bandit chieftain managed to slip out of the bridal chamber and ran to a horse. He broke off a willow twig for a whip, leaped on the horse, and gave it a few whips, but the horse won’t budge.
“Ah dammit, even this animal is picking on me!” the chieftain cried. He then took a closer look and saw that, oh yeah, the horse was still hitched to a tree. He hurriedly cut the reins and galloped out of the manor on the unsaddled horse. On his way out, he cursed at Grandpa Liu.
“Damn old donkey! You just wait! Don’t think you can fly away!”
He gave the horse a couple more whips and sped away in the direction of the mountain.
Grabbing a hold of Lu Zhishen, Grandpa Liu said, “Monk, you have doomed my whole family!”
“Please excuse my rudeness,” Zhishen said. “Let me get dressed first, and then we’ll talk.”
Yes, please get dressed first. To see if anyone can recover from seeing Lu Zhishen in the nude, tune in to the next episode of the Water Margin Podcast. Also on the next episode, we’ll see what happens when Lu Zhishen encounters a rounder, more debauched version of himself. Thanks for listening!
Major Characters in This Episode
Major characters appearing in this episode. There is also a running list of all major characters appearing in the podcast so far.| Last Name | First Name | Chinese Name | Pronunciation | Nickname(s) | Job | Weapon | First appeared in episode | Wikipedia Entry | Picture |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Lu | Zhishen | 鲁智深 | Flowery Monk (花和尚) | Garrison major | Monk's spade, Dagger | 6 | Wikipedia Entry | Pic |
Music in This Episode
- “Chinese Ways“ by Michael Adels (intro and outro)
- “Dark Alley Deals” by Aaron Kenny (from YouTube audio library)
- “Chariots of War” by Aakash Gandhi (from YouTube audio library)
- “Pathway” by illogicalbit (Music promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.com; Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported)
- “Day of Recon” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions (from YouTube audio library)
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)