We see how the “throw Lu Zhishen into a fecal pond” plan turns out, and then watch as he turns pest removal into a Strongest Man event.
Transcript
Welcome to the Water Margin Podcast. This is episode 12.
Last time, after busting some heads on his journey, Lu Zhishen finally reached the Great Xiangguo (4,2) Monastery in the capital. There, he began his climb up the monasterial bureaucracy at the bottom rung, being appointed the overseer of a vegetable garden. What no one bothered to tell him was that he was tabbed for the job because the garden was constantly plagued by thieving street rats, and the monks thought someone with his imposing figure might stand a better chance of fending off the riff raff.
Further unbeknownst to him, the riff raffs had planned a rude welcome for him. They were going to pretend to congratulate him, catch him off guard, and flip him into the manure pit so as to show him who’s boss. It’s a good plan.
The leaders of the riffraffs were two men, one named Street Rat Zhang the Third, and the other named Snake in the Grass Li (3) the Fourth. That day, they stood by the manure pit and said to Lu Zhishen, “We’re here to offer our congratulations.”
“Since you are neighbors, then come inside and have a seat on the floor,” Zhishen said.
But Zhang the Third and Li the Fourth remained kneeling on the ground and refused to get up, hoping Lu Zhishen would come over to help them to their feet. When he saw this, Lu Zhishen was already getting a little suspicious.
“This is a shaggy-looking bunch,” he thought to himself, “and they refuse to come over to me. Are they trying to play a trick on me? If so, they’re trying to pluck a tiger’s whiskers. Let me go over there and show them a thing or two.”
So he walked over to the group of 20-some riffraffs. As he came near, Zhang the Third and Li the Fourth said, “We have come to pay our respects.”
As they spoke, they dove for his legs. But before they could even get close, Lu Zhishen’s right foot kicked up, catching Li the Fourth and sending him flying into the manure pit. Zhang the Third saw the plan had gone south and tried to run, but Lu Zhishen’s left foot was already on its way to his back end, and before he could say “ah crap,” Zhang the Third had joined his friend in the fecal pond.
As the two of them struggled to stay afloat, the rest of their group were looking on stunned, and then they tried to run. But as they turned, Lu Zhishen roared, “Whoever runs will end up in the pit!” And that froze them all in their tracks.
By now, Zhang the Third and Li the Fourth had managed to pull their heads above … umm … let’s just say water. That pit was quite deep, so they had been submerged in it, and by now they were covered from head to toe with poop and all the creepy crawlies that love poop. They pleaded from the pit, “Master, please have mercy!”
“Go help them out, and I’ll spare all of you,” Lu Zhishen shouted to the rest of the gang. So the riffraffs pulled their comrades out of the pit and leaned them up against a trellis, and then they stood as far back from their stinkin’ friends as they could.
“You idiots!” Lu Zhishen roared with laughter. “Go to the garden and wash up, and then I have something to say to all of you.”
So the poop-covered street rats scurried off to the garden for a cleansing, and their fellow riffraffs gave them some clothes off their own backs.
So just a quick aside here. I just love the fact that one of the great works of classical Chinese literature has a giant poop joke in it. This is one reason I love this book. It’s not beneath going for some low-brow humor to get a cheap laugh. And also, the street rats were probably lucky that they were the ones who ended up in the manure pit instead of Lu Zhishen. I mean, imagine what he would’ve done had they actually succeeded in tossing him into the poop. That whole gang would probably be lying at the bottom of the pit right now.
Anyway, Lu Zhishen now called the gang into his room. He sat down in the center, pointed at them, and said, “You bastards, stop lying to me. Who the hell are you? How dare you try to play a prank on me?”
All the riffraffs kneeled and said, “We have lived here for generations, and we make our living by gambling. This vegetable garden is our lifeline. The monastery has hired people several times to try to drive us away, but no one could do anything about us. Master, where do you hail from? You’re truly amazing! We haven’t seen you at the monastery before. From now on, we are willing to serve you.”
“I was a major in the service of Old General Zhong (1) at Yan’an (2,1) Prefecture,” Lu Zhishen said. “Because I had taken too many lives, I decided to become a monk. I came here from Wutai (3,2) Mountain. My last name is Lu, and my Buddhist name is Zhishen. Even if I were facing an army of tens of thousands, I would have no qualms about charging into their ranks, much less the likes of you.”
So notice how killing one butcher has now become “I had taken too many lives.” Lu Zhishen was certainly not above boasting. Not that he needed any exaggeration to impress the gang whose leaders he had just kicked into a pool of crap. The gang uttered their gratitude for his mercy and left, and Lu Zhishen went to take a nap.
The next day, the gang reappeared with 10 bottles of wine and a live pig they had purchased with some money they scraped together. They invited Lu Zhishen to join them for a feast, and this time, they were sincere. They sat down in the overseer’s compound, with Lu Zhishen in the middle and the gang on two sides.
“I feel bad making you guys spend money,” Lu Zhishen said as they drank.
“No, it’s our great fortune,” the gang replied. “Now that you are here, we have someone who will lead us.”
Lu Zhishen was delighted by his foes turned disciples, of a sort, and they all drank merrily, with lots of chatter, singing, clapping, and laughing. Just as they were getting raucous, they heard an old crow cawing outside. Now, to the superstitious folks of the time, this was a bad omen. Hearing the crow, some of the gang clacked their teeth and said together, “Red lips rise to the sky, white tongue enters the earth.” And this was basically a way of saying there’s going to be an argument.
“What are you talking about?” Lu Zhishen asked.
“When a crow caws, it means there’s going to be a quarrel,” the gang said.
“Bull!” Zhishen scoffed.
One of the lay brothers who worked in the garden laughed and said, “There’s a new crow’s nest in the willow tree beside the wall. The crows are cawing from dawn to dusk.”
“Let’s get a ladder and take down the nest,”the gang suggested, and a few of them set about doing so. Lu Zhishen followed them outside to have a look, and there was indeed a crow’s nest in the willow tree.
“Get a ladder and get rid of that nest so that we can have some peace and quiet,” the gang said.
“I’ll climb up there; no need for a ladder,” Li the Fourth told them.
But Lu Zhishen had other ideas. He sized up the tree, walked over to it, and took off his robe. He placed his right hand on the lower part of the trunk, bent his body down, and put his left hand on a higher part of the trunk. Then, with one powerful twist, he wrenched the whole tree out of the ground, roots and all!
Stunned at the sight of this mighty feat of strength, the gang fell to their knees and cried, “Master, you’re incredible! You are a god! How can anyone have uprooted that tree without amazing strength?!”
“This is nothing,” Lu Zhishen humble-bragged. “Tomorrow, you can watch me show off my weapon.”
So from that day forth, the whole gang positively worshipped Lu Zhishen, and they came every day to offer him wine and meat and to watch him show off his skills. After a few days, Lu Zhishen got to thinking, “They’ve been treating me to a lot of wine and food; I should return the favor.” So he sent some lay brothers to the city to buy some fruits, a few buckets of wine, along with a butchered pig and a slaughtered sheep.
It was now the end of the third lunar month, and the weather was really hot, so Lu Zhishen had the lay brothers spread out some mats underneath a willow tree — one that he hasn’t pulled up yet. He then invited the street gang to join him there, and they drank and ate heartily.
In the midst of the feast, the gang asked him, “Master, we have seen you show off your strength these past few days, but we haven’t seen your weapon yet. How about treating us to a demonstration?”
“Quite right,” Lu Zhishen said. So he fetched his steel staff, and when the gang saw how big and heavy the thing was, they were all stunned. “How can one wield this without the strength of a water buffalo?” they said, apparently forgetting that Lu Zhishen had, you know, pulled up a tree with his bare hands a few days earlier.
Lu Zhishen started twirling the staff flawlessly, up, down, left, right, while the gang watched and cheered. Just as he was getting into a groove, a shout suddenly came over the wall:
“Outstanding!”
Lu Zhishen stopped and looked. In a gap in the wall, he spotted a gentleman. This man wore a black muslin headscarf with the two corners tied together. His hair was knotted in the back of his head by a pair of interlinked white jade circlets. He wore a green officer’s robe made from flowered silk, and around his waist was a belt with a silver clasp shaped like a tortoise’s back. His feet were shod in square-toed black boots, and he carried a folding fan in his hands. He had a head shaped like a panther, round eyes, a chin as sharp as a swallow’s beak, and whiskers like a tiger’s. He stood about 6 feet tall and looked to be about 35.
“What great skills with the weapon!” he said. “Truly extraordinary!”
The gang recognized this guy, and they told Lu Zhishen, “If that drill instructor is cheering, then you MUST be good!”
“Who is he?”
“His name is Lin Chong. His nickname is Panther Head. He is a drill instructor in the Imperial Guards.”
“In that case, please come in and talk,” Lu Zhishen said to his admirer.
With one leap, Lin Chong jumped over the wall, and he and Lu Zhishen greeted each other and sat down under the willow tree.
“Where are you from, brother?” Lin Chong asked.
“I am Lu Da (2), from West of the Pass. I killed too many people, so I became a monk. When I was young I came to the capital once, and met Major Lin (2), your father.”
Lin Chong was delighted, and he and Lu Zhishen hit it off right away, so much so that they pledged to be brothers on the spot.
“So what brings you here today?” Lu Zhishen asked his new sworn brother.
“I had just gone to the temple next door with my wife to offer some incense and a prayer. When I heard the sound of weapons, I couldn’t help but watch, so my wife went to the temple with our maid and I stayed here. I did not expect to meet you.”
“I just got here and haven’t made any friends,” Lu Zhishen said. “I just have these guys keeping me company every day. And now, you think enough of me to become my sworn brother. That’s great.”
Just as the two of them were finishing up their third round of drinks, Lin Chong’s maid, Jin (3) Er (2), rushed to the gap in the wall with her face flushed and shouted, “Master, get up! A man in the temple is harassing our lady!”
“Where is she?” Lin Chong asked.
“We had just come down from Five Peaks Pavilion when we ran into a scumbag. He blocked the lady’s way and would not let her go.”
Lin Chong turned to Lu Zhishen and said, “Brother, I’ll come see you again another day. Please forgive me.” He then leaped over the wall and rushed toward the temple with his maid. When he got to the Five Peaks Pavilion, he saw a few idlers carrying slingshots, blowpipes, and limed sticks huddled around the stair railing. They were watching as a young man, who had his back turned, blocked Lin Chong’s wife and said to her, “Let’s go upstairs and talk.”
Lady Lin’s face was flushed as she said, “What right do you have to harass a respectable woman in times of peace and order?!”
Just then, Lin Chong barged in, grabbed the young playboy by the shoulder. As he spun the man around, Lin Chong raised his fist and shouted, “I’ll teach you to insult a good man’s wife!”
But just as he was about to bring his fist down on the guy’s face, Lin Chong froze in his tracks. He recognized the young man. He was the adopted son of Marshal Gao Qiu. Yep, THAT Gao Qiu. The riff raff turned commander of the Imperial Guards — the very same Imperial Guards in which Lin Chong was employed.
So, it’s been a while since we mentioned Gao Qiu. Last we saw him, he had just risen to prominence with his appointment to command the Imperial Guards. Now that he was a somebody, he needed a son to handle his numerous affairs. Being a corrupt high official was a lot of work, you know. Well, he didn’t have a son, so he adopted the son of his uncle, aka his cousin. In the novel, the young man was referred to as Gao Yanei (2,4), which kind of meant the Young Master Gao, as the word Yanei (2,4) was a courtesy title given to the son of an official.
Gao Qiu adored this Gao Yanei, and of course, the young scoundrel used his adopted father’s power to run wild in the capital, and his favorite pastime was having his way with other men’s wives. Obviously no one dared to stand up to him on account of his father. And he became known as the King of Lechery. And today, the King of Lechery was harassing Lin Chong’s wife.
Recognizing that the punk accosting his wife was none other than his boss’s son, the fight went out of Lin Chong. As he loosened his grip, Gao Yanei said, “Lin Chong, mind your business!”
So obviously, Gao Yanei did not realize that he was messing with Lin Chong’s wife. A bunch of idlers who had gathered to watch the ruckus now interceded and told Lin Chong, “Drill instructor, please don’t hold a grudge. He didn’t recognize your wife and thus gave offense.”
Lin Chong was still seething and glowered at Gao Yanei, who now strutted out of the temple with his entourage and rode off. Lin Chong, his wife, and their maid also headed out of the temple, but just then, they saw Lu Zhishen stomping in with his steel staff and his gang.
“Brother, where are you going?” Lin Chong asked.
“I came to help you fight!”
“Turns out it was my superior Marshal Gao’s son. He didn’t recognize my wife and acted improperly for a moment. You know the old saying — ‘Fear not officials — except those that officiate over you.’ I’m on Marshal Gao’s payroll, so I’ll let his son off this one time.”
“You may be afraid of the marshal, but I’m not! If I run into that bastard, I’ll give him 300 licks of my staff!”
Seeing that Lu Zhishen was obviously buzzing, Lin Chong just said, “You’re quite right, brother. I was talked out of it in the moment by others, so I’ll spare him for now.”
“If anything should happen, call for me, and I’ll go with you,” Lu Zhishen told him.
The gang of riffraffs now tried to calm Lu Zhishen down and said, “Master, let’s go. We’ll meet up another day.”
Gripping his staff, Lu Zhishen said to Lady Lin, “Sister-in-law, please pardon me and don’t laugh at me.” He then turned to Lin Chong and said, “Brother, we’ll get together tomorrow.”
Once Lu Zhishen left with his gang, Lin Chong, his wife, and their maid went home as well, but he was obviously quite displeased about the whole thing.
Despite his unhappiness, Lin Chong was willing to just let the whole thing go. The problem, though, was that Gao Yanei was not. For days after his little escapade got busted up by Lin Chong, Gao Yanei was pouting at home. His little entourage of hangers-on came by to cheer him up, but he was so irritable that they soon left. All, that is, except one. His name was Fu (4) An (1), but people like to call him Dry Pecker Head. So yeah, obviously a great guy.
Anyway, Mr. Pecker Head knew what was eating at Gao Yanei, so he attended to him alone. When he saw his master sitting by himself in his study, Fu An approached and said, “Young master, you haven’t smiled much lately. Something must be bothering you.”
“How do you know?”
“I was just guessing.”
“Can you guess what’s bothering me?”
“You must be thinking about double wood, right?”
So, what Fu An just said was a play on words. Double wood was a reference to Lin Chong’s last name. The character Lin means forest, and it’s actually made up of two instances of a character that means wood. So Fu An was making a not-so-veiled reference to Lady Lin.
“You’re right,” Gao Yanei laughed. “But how can I have her?”
“That’s not hard at all,” Fu An said. “You are afraid of provoking Lin Chong, but there’s no need to worry. He answers to your father and is being well compensated, so how would he dare to offend his boss? If he does, at best he gets exiled; at worst, it could cost him his life. I have an idea for you to have his wife.”
“I have seen countless beautiful women, but for some reason she’s the only one I love,” Gao Yanei said. “I’ve been infatuated and unhappy. If you have a way for me to hook up with her, then I’ll reward you handsomely.”
So Fu An offered up this scheme: “One of your confidants, the captain Lu (4) Qian (1), is Lin Chong’s best friend. Tomorrow, you can go hide in a nook in on the top floor of Lu Qian’s house and have some wine and food laid out. Then send Lu Qian to go take Lin Chong out to drink; have him take Lin Chong to a secluded room at the Fan (2) Pavilion. Then I’ll go to Lin Chong’s home and tell his wife that her husband was stricken by a sudden illness while drinking at Lu Qian’s house and that she should go there at once. Once we have lured her to you, well, women are as changeable as water. With your looks and style, you just need a few sweet words, and she won’t be able to resist. What do you think of my plan?”
“Great idea!” Gao Yanei said. “Have someone go fetch Lu Qian tonight.”
As it turns out, Lu Qian lived only one street over from Marshal Gao’s residence. The next day, he went to see Gao Yanei and was informed of the plan. So remember how he was supposed to be Lin Chong’s best friend? Well, so much for that. Since the order came from his patron, Lu Qian figured he had no choice but to comply, friendship be damned. Whatever makes the spoiled little brat happy, right?
Meanwhile, over at Lin Chong’s house, Lin Chong has also been in a foul mood, so much so that he hadn’t left the house for days. That morning, around 11 a.m., he heard someone call out from the door, “Is Instructor Lin at home?”
Lin Chong stepped out and saw that it was his best friend Lu Qian.
“What are you doing here, brother?” Lin Chong asked.
“I came to see how you’re doing. Why haven’t I seen you out the last few days?”
“I’ve been feeling irritable and haven’t gone out.”
“Then let’s go have a few cups of wine and lighten your mood.”
“Sit for a bit and have some tea first,” Lin Chong said.
After tea, the two of them got up. As they walked out, Lu Qian called out to Lady Lin, “We are going over to my house to have a few drinks.”
Lady Lin rushed out to the door curtain and said, “Husband, don’t drink too much and come home soon.”
After they left Lin Chong’s house, the two men walked around for a while, and Lu Qian said, “Brother, let’s not go to my house. Let’s go have a few cups at Fan (2) Pavilion instead.”
Lin Chong agreed, and they headed to Fan Pavilion, went upstairs, and asked for a quiet room. They told the waiter to bring a couple bottles of top-shelf wine, along with some good food, and then the two got down to shooting the bull. While they spoke, Lin Chong let out a long sigh.
“Brother, why are you sighing?” Lu Qian asked.
“You don’t understand. I have all these skills, but no wise master who can make good use of them. Instead, I find myself under the thumb of petty men and having to put up with their crap.”
To that, Lu Qian replied, “Even though there are some other instructors in the Imperial Guards, who among them can match your skills? And Marshal Gao thinks highly of you, so who’s giving you crap?”
So Lin Chong told his friend all about what happened with Gao Yanei, and Lu Qian said, “He must have not recognized your wife. It’s not a big deal. Don’t trouble yourself too much. Just drink.”
After downing eight or nine cups, Lin Chong had to use the bathroom, so he went downstairs, left the tavern, and turned east into a little alley to relieve himself. After he was done, he was coming out of the alley when suddenly he heard someone cry, “Master, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! Turns out you’re here!”
It was his maid, Jin (3) Er (2). Lin Chong was alarmed and asked what’s wrong, and Jin Er said, “Less than an hour after you and Captain Lu (4) left, a man rushed to our house and told the lady, ‘I’m Captain Lu’s neighbor. Your husband was drinking with Lu Qian when suddenly he lost his breath and collapsed. You better go check on him.’ So the lady asked our neighbor Mrs. Wang to look after our house while she and I followed that man. We went to a home on a street in front of Marshal Gao’s residence. When we went upstairs, we saw food and wine on the table, but no sign of you. We were just about to head back downstairs when the young man who harassed our lady a couple days ago appeared. He said, ‘Your lady, have a seat. Your husband is coming soon.’ By the time I rushed downstairs, I could hear our lady screaming upstairs, so I went looking for you. I couldn’t find you, but ran into Mr. Zhang, the medicine dealer. He said, ‘I just went past Fan (2) Pavilion and saw the drill instructor and someone else go inside.’ So I ran over here. Please hurry!”
Shocked, Lin Chong left Jin Er behind and dashed over to Lu Qian’s house. He tried to go upstairs but found the doors locked. He could hear his wife inside, shouting, “How can you lock a good wife in here in broad daylight in a time of peace?”
Next, he heard Gao Yanei’s voice. “My lady, please have pity on me! Even a heart of stone can be swayed.”
That was as much as Lin Chong could stand. He shouted, “Honey, open the door!”
Hearing her husband’s voice, Lady Lin rushed over to open the door. Gao Yanei, meanwhile, was scared out of his mind. He leaped out a window, climbed over a wall, and scrammed. When Lin Chong ran upstairs, he saw no sign of Gao Yanei.
“That dog didn’t violate you, did he?” he asked his wife. She assured him that no, she had not been tainted by that lecher, but Lin Chong was way too pissed off to just leave it at that. He took out his anger on Lu Qian’s house, smashing everything in it, before accompanying his wife downstairs. By the time they headed out the door, they saw that all the neighbors had heard the ruckus and shut their doors, lest they be caught in the line of fire. Their maid, Jin Er, now met up with them, and the three went home.
But Lin Chong’s blood was boiling after this. He grabbed a sharp knife and stomped back over to Fan (2) Pavilion to have it out with Lu Qian. But by the time he got there, Lu Qian had long since buggered off. So Lin Chong went back to Lu Qian’s house and waited outside all night, but there was still no sign of him, and Lin Chong had no choice but to go home.
But after this latest insult, you can bet this was NOT going to be the end of it. To see what the fallout will be, tune in to the next episode of the Water Margin Podcast. Also on the next episode, we’ll see why if a guy follows you around trying to sell you a knife, you should probably just say no. So join us next time. Thanks for listening!
Major Characters in This Episode
Major characters appearing in this episode. There is also a running list of all major characters appearing in the podcast so far.| Last Name | First Name | Chinese Name | Pronunciation | Nickname(s) | Job | Weapon | First appeared in episode | Wikipedia Entry | Picture |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Lín | Chōng | 林沖 | Panther Head (豹子頭) | Drill sargent of the Imperial Guards | 8-foot-long Snake Spear (丈八蛇矛); Pudao (朴刀) | 12 | Wikipedia Entry | Pic | |
| Lǔ | Zhìshēn | 鲁智深 | Flowery Monk (花和尚) | Garrison major | Monk's spade, Dagger | 6 | Wikipedia Entry | Pic | |
| Lù | Qiān | 陆谦 | Captain | 12 | |||||
| Gāo | Yánèi | 高衙内 | King of Lechery | Gao Qiu's son | 12 |
Music in This Episode
- “Chinese Ways” by Michael Adels (intro and outro)
- “Day of Recon” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions (from YouTube audio library)
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)
- “Slow Times Over Here” by Midnight North (from YouTube audio library)