Yan Qing offers a little eye candy to the emperor’s mistress in exchange for her help.
Transcript
Welcome to the Water Margin Podcast. This is episode 111.
Last time, the Liangshan bandits destroyed Marshal Gao Qiu’s navy for a third time and captured him alive. But instead of doing the sensible thing of cutting out his heart and serving it sashimi-style to everyone, Song Jiang wined him, dined him, and let him go, on the promise from Gao Qiu that once he got back to the capital of course he would tell the emperor what a bunch of awesome guys the bandits were and ask for another amnesty, cross my heart, hope to die, double pinkie swear. In fact, Song Jiang even sent two low-level chieftains with Gao Qiu so they could make their case to the emperor in person.
But once Gao Qiu went on his way, Song Jiang started getting the feeling that maybe, just maybe, that guy was not on the level. So, he was thinking about sending Yan Qing the Prodigy and Dai Zong the Magic Traveler to the capital to find a way to get some face time with the emperor. They were going to look up the emperor’s mistress, the courtesan Li Shishi, to ask her for a favor since they did her a solid by setting her house on fire once upon a time. They were also going to look up Marshal Su (4), since they had once done him a favor by kidnapping him and commandeering his official regalia for criminal purposes once upon a time.
Song Jiang now asked the scholar Wen (4) Huanzhang (4,1) to come join them for a chat. This Scholar Wen had joined Gao Qiu’s campaign as a strategist and was captured alongside Gao Qiu by the bandits. When Gao Qiu left Liangshan, he left Scholar Wen here as a guarantee for a promise that he had no intention of keeping. Song Jiang now asked Scholar Wen if he knew Marshal Su.
“He was my school buddy,” Scholar Wen said. “And now he is one of his majesty’s most trusted advisers. He is very compassionate and generous, and treats people with kindness.”
“To be honest,” Song Jiang said, “we suspect that once Marshal Gao returns to the capital, he is not going to raise the matter of amnesty with his majesty. When Marshal Su previously went to offer incense at Huazhou (2,1) Prefecture, we had made his acquaintance. I would like to send someone to connect with him and beg him to help us by saying a good word on our behalf to the emperor.”
Scholar Wen immediately offered to write a letter to Marshal Su to help the cause, which made Song Jiang very happy. While he fetched paper and brush for Scholar Wen, he also burned some incense, took out the divine scrolls he had obtained from the goddess, and offered a prayer. In return, he received a good omen. He then threw a banquet to see Dai Zong and Yan Qing off.
The two chieftains packed two large baskets of valuables, stashed Scholar Wen’s letter, along with forged government credentials, and disguised themselves as bailiffs. They then disembarked for the capital. Dai Zong carried an umbrella and a bundle, while Yan Qing carried the two baskets on a wooden staff. He tucked his black gown up in front, and had a pouch hanging from his waist. He wore leg wrappings up to his knees, and his feet were shod in hemp sandals.
After a few days on the road, they arrived at the capital. But instead of following the main road into the city, they swung around to the Gate of Longevity. As they approached the gate, they were stopped by the guards. Yan Qing put down his load and said, in a local accent, “Why did you stop us?”
“We’ve got orders from above,” a guard replied. “The Liangshan bandits might try to sneak into the city. So we have to carefully question everyone going in or out.”
Yan Qing laughed and said, “Well aren’t you the diligent public servant, questioning one of your own! The two of us have been working in this city since we were kids; we’ve gone through this gate who knows how many times. You give us a hard time, but you’ll let the actual bandits walk right past you.”
As he spoke, he pulled out his forged credentials, threw it in the face of the guard, and scoffed, “See?! Isn’t this official paperwork from the prefectural office?!”
Hearing and seeing this, the captain of the guards shouted, “Since he’s got official prefectural papers, why are you hassling him? Just let him through!”
At that, the guards stepped aside. Yan Qing took back his paperwork, stashed it in his shirt, picked up his load, and walked through. Dai Zong scoffed and also walked past the diligent guards. They entered the city and found lodging at an inn. The next day, Yan Qing dressed up like a young idler and stashed some gold and jewelry on him. He then told Dai Zong, “Brother, I’m going to go see Li Shishi today. If anything should go wrong, hurry back to Liangshan without me.”
Then, Yan Qing set off. He went to Li Shishi’s house and found that it had been restored to its former glory after Li Kui the Black Whirlwind had set it on fire while hulking out. In fact, it looks even better than before. Yan Qing lifted the bamboo curtain and went inside, and immediately caught a whiff of exotic incense. He went to the guest parlor and found it decorated again with beautiful paintings, rare antiques, and exotic plants.
Yan Qing cleared his throat lightly, and the maid came out, saw him, and immediately notified the madam of the establishment. The madam came out and was startled to see Yan Qing. Oh no, not you again.
“What are you doing here again?” she asked.
“Please ask the lady to come out; I would like to speak with her,” Yan Qing requested.
“You’ve brought us nothing but trouble and damaged our house,” the madam scoffed. “If you have something to say, then just say it.”
“Not until I see the lady,” Yan Qing insisted.
All this time, the courtesan Li Shishi had been listening on the other side of the wall. And now she stepped into the room, looking as captivating as ever. Yan Qing took out the handkerchief that the gold and jewelry were wrapped in, put it on the table, bowed four times to the madam, and then twice to Li Shishi.
“Oh I am too young to receive such courtesy,” Li Shishi said.
Yan Qing, though, finished bowing and then rose and said, “We gave you a fright last time; we have been feeling uneasy since then.”
“Stop lying to me,” Li Shishi said. “You told me your name was Zhang and that your two companions were merchants from Shandong Province. It’s a good thing I managed to fool his majesty with some clever words. If it were someone else, it would’ve been disastrous for their entire household. Your friend wrote a poem saying he was waiting for the golden herald. I was suspicious and was just about to ask him about it when his majesty showed up and all hell broke loose, so I didn’t get a chance. It’s great that you’re here. Now you can answer my question. Don’t hide anything; tell me the truth. I will not settle for anything less!”
“I will tell you my sad story truthfully, but please, do not be alarmed,” Yan Qing said. He then explained who he and his companions on the last visit were, and how they had come to see her in hopes of pouring out their heart to the emperor.
“My brother wanted to let his majesty know about our desire to carry out justice on heaven’s behalf, protect the realm, and defend the people, so that we may receive an amnesty and the civilians would not have to suffer,” Yan Qing said. “If you can help make that happen, then you would be the savior for the tens of thousands of us on Liangshan. Right now, wicked officials hold power and keep out men of talent. We had no way to convey our sentiments, so we came to ask for your help, but unintentionally gave you a fright. My brother has nothing to offer you, except these few meager items. Please accept them.”
As he spoke, Yan Qing unwrapped the handkerchief and revealed the sizable bounty of gold and jewelry. That was all the madam needed to see, as she quickly stashed away the gifts and invited Yan Qing to have a seat in a small room in the back. There, she laid out some nice dishes and tended to him diligently. This was actually a rare occasion for this establishment, since nobody usually dared to come patronize the emperor’s mistress.
Once the food was laid out, Li Shishi sat down across from Yan Qing.
“I am a condemned criminal; how would I dare to have you, queen of the courtesans, sit with me?” he said.
“Say no such thing,” she replied. “Your band of heroes has long been renowned. It’s just that you didn’t have anyone to make connections for you, so you are reduced to seeking refuge in the swamp.”
Yan Qing now told her how the first amnesty offer was ruined by the trash talk in the decree and the bait-and-switch with the imperial wine, and how the second attempt at amnesty was marred by shady copy editing.
“Because of that, we refused to submit,” he said. “When Tong Guan (4) led an army to attack us, we needed only two battles to wipe them out. Then, Marshal Gao conscripted civilians from across the realm to build a navy to attack us. In three battles, he lost most of his forces and he himself was captured alive. My brother refused to kill him and instead treated him well and released him, along with all the prisoners. When he was at Liangshan, Marshal Gao had sworn an oath that when he returned to court, he would inform the emperor and ask for another offer of amnesty. So we sent two chieftains with him, Xiao (1) Rang (4), a scholar, and Yue (4) He (2), a skilled singer. But it looks like he’s keeping them hidden in his residence and refuses to let them out. He must be hiding the news of his defeat from the emperor.”
To this, Li Shishi replied, “How would he dare to let his majesty know about such a debacle? I understand everything now. Drink a few cups first, and then we’ll discuss what to do.”
“I have never been a good drinker,” Yan Qing said, trying to beg off and stay focused on business.
“You have come a long way,” Li Shishi insisted. “Now that you’re here, enjoy a few cups.”
So Yan Qing had no choice but to oblige her and chug a couple cups of wine. As it turns out, Li Shishi was becoming quite enamored with this handsome, eloquent hero, so as they drank, she started to flirt with him. Yan Qing was a smart one, so of course he knew what was going on. But, as the novel put it, he was also a manly man who would never allow a pretty face to threaten the mission, so he was trying to stave off her feminine wiles.
“I have long heard that you are skilled in music,” Li Shishi said. “I would love to hear you play while we drink.”
“How would I dare to embarrass myself with my two-bit skills?”
“Well then, let me play a tune for you first,” Li Shishi said. She then asked her maid to fetch her flute. She put it to her lips and started to play, and it was so beautiful that, as the novel described it, the sound could pierce clouds and crack rocks. Trust me, that means it’s really good, and Yan Qing confirmed it as he complimented her throughout her performance.
When she was done, she handed the flute to Yan Qing and asked him to return the favor. Yan Qing was still trying to get her to help him, so he obliged her and played a song, which also drew rave reviews from Li Shishi. She then picked up her lute and plucked out a lovely tune. In return, Yan Qing sang a song for her in a melodious voice.
When he was done singing, he bowed to her, and Li Shishi personally offered him a cup of wine and thanked him in her most seductive voice. Besieged by her come-hither glances, Yan Qing lowered his head and murmured his thanks.
After a few more cups, Li Shishi smiled and said, “I’ve heard that you have beautiful tattoos. May I have a look?”
Now, Yan Qing indeed had beautiful tattoos, and they were all over his back, so this was a none-too-coy attempt to get him to show a little flesh. He smiled and said, “I do have some tattoos, but how would I dare to bare my unworthy body in your presence?”
“Who worries about such things with a gallant gentleman like you?” she insisted.
After several requests, Yan Qing relented and took off his shirt, baring his tattoo-covered torso. Li Shishi was so impressed that as she looked, she reached out and touched his skin, which prompted Yan Qing to hurriedly put his shirt back on.
Li Shishi now handed him another cup of wine. Fearing that she might start getting grabby again, Yan Qing suddenly thought of an idea.
“How old are you?” he asked.
“I am 27.”
“And I am 25, two years younger,” Yan Qing quickly said. “Since your ladyship finds me worthy, I would like to acknowledge you as my foster sister.”
As he spoke, he kneeled and kowtowed to her eight times. So basically, Yan Qing just put her in the friend zone, or even worse, the sworn sibling zone. He even asked the madam to come in and kowtowed to her as well, acknowledging her as his foster mother.
This done, Yan Qing now took his leave. But Li Shishi said, “Brother, just stay here instead of an inn.”
“In that case, let me go back to the inn and fetch my belongings, and I’ll be right back,” he said.
“Ok, don’t keep me waiting,” she told him as he departed.
Yan Qing returned to the inn and told Dai Zong the Magic Traveler what happened.
“That’s good,” Dai Zong said. “My only worry is if you can’t control your impulses.”
“A man who forgets his nature because of women and wine is no different than an animal,” Yan Qing declared. “If I harbor any such thoughts, may I die riddled by swords.”
Dai Zong chuckled and told him, “Relax. You and I are both men of valor. No need to swear an oath.”
“If I don’t, you would no doubt be suspicious,” Yan Qing said.
“Alright, hurry on back and proceed as you see fit,” Dai Zong told him. “Come back as soon as you’ve accomplished your mission. Don’t keep me waiting. I will wait for you before delivering the letter to Marshal Su.”
So Yan Qing packed another bundle of gold and miscellaneous valuables and returned to Li Shishi’s house. He gave half of the swag to the madam and the other half to everyone else in the house, so that he was on everyone’s good side. They then arranged a guest room for him, and everyone called him “uncle” as if he were a member of the establishment.
When evening came, so did word that the emperor was going to pay Li Shishi a visit that night. When Yan Qing heard this, he went to see Li Shishi and said, “Sister, please do me a favor. Introduce me to his majesty tonight and ask him to write a decree pardoning my crimes. I will be forever grateful!”
“I will definitely get you an audience with his majesty tonight,” she told him. “You should show off some of your skills and impress him, and then you will get a pardon for sure.”
That night, the moon was hazy and the air was filled with the fragrance of flowers. In the dim light, a scholar dressed in white emerged from an underground tunnel, accompanied by a young eunuch. This was none other than the emperor, traveling incognito. He entered Li Shishi’s home through the back door and sat down in the parlor. The front and back doors were then shut, and lanterns and candles were lit inside the room. Li Shishi, dressed in her finest, now appeared to welcome him. After they greeted each other, the emperor asked her to slip into something more comfortable and entertain him. She obliged, changed, and then welcomed him into her room, where the servants had already prepared fine fruits and exotic dishes. Li Shishi offered the emperor wine, and he was delighted and told her to get closer and sit with him.
Seeing that he was in a good mood, she now said, “I have a cousin who has been drifting all over. He just returned today. He would like to meet your majesty, but did not dare to intrude without your permission.”
“Well, since he’s your cousin, there’s no harm in having him come see me,” the emperor said.
So Li Shishi summoned Yan Qing into the room. As Yan Qing kowtowed, the emperor was quite impressed by his handsome appearance. Li Shishi asked Yan Qing to play the flute while she drank with the emperor. Then, she told Yan Qing to sing while she played the lute.
Yan Qing bowed and said, “I just know some naughty tunes. How would I dare to perform them for his majesty.”
But the emperor was like, we are in the courtesan quarters. I’m here for the smut, so hit me.
So Yan Qing took up a pair of ivory clapper sticks, bowed again, and said to Li Shishi, “If I go off key, please correct me.”
He then started beating the clappers and started singing a song called the Proud Fisherman’s Wife. It went something like this:
No news from him
Since he left our village,
Constant longing
Tears at my heart.
The swallows are gone,
The flowers fade,
In just one spring
My waist grows thin.
Faithless lover,
When will he return?
It would have been better
If we never had met!
In dreams we’re together,
But then I awake,
Outside my window
Orioles sing in the dawn.
When Yan Qing finished, the emperor was like, whoa, that was SOOO trashy; sing another one!
Yan Qing kowtowed and said, “I only know one other song.”
“Ok, let’s hear it,” the emperor said, and so Yan Qing bowed and sang again. This time, he sang these words:
Hear my plea, hear my plea,
Who knows how I’ve wandered,
Who knows!
In heaven and on earth
The innocent oft are wronged,
In the fiery Pit, ‘tis said,
Are hearts that are loyal and true,
Loyal and true!
Surely the day will come
When great benevolence
Will be by men repaid!
When he finished, the emperor was like, hmm, I can’t help but think there’s a hidden message in that song. Yan Qing suddenly started crying and threw himself on the ground in front of the emperor.
“Tell me what’s on your mind, and I will help you sort it out,” the befuddled emperor said.
“Your servant has committed offenses so severe that I do not dare to tell you,” Yan Qing replied.
“I will pardon you; just tell me,” the emperor told him.
Well, ok then. Yan Qing now said, “I have been a drifter since my youth. I bounced around Shandong Province with some merchants. When we were passing through Liangshan Marsh, the bandits kidnapped us. I stayed there for three years and just now managed to escape back to the capital. Even though I have reunited with my cousin, I do not dare to show my face in public. If someone recognizes me and alerts the authorities, then how could I explain?”
Li Shishi now chimed in and said, “He has been miserable. Please help him, your majesty.”
The emperor laughed and was like, that’s it? What’s the big deal? “You are the cousin of the leading courtesan. Who would dare to arrest you?!” he said.
Yan Qing flashed Li Shishi a glance. She caught his meaning and started working her feminine wiles on the emperor, throwing herself into his arms, and telling him in a pouty tone, “I want your majesty to write a decree to pardon my cousin. Only then can he feel safe.”
“But I don’t have my royal seal here. How can I write it?”
“Your majesty’s hand is worth more than any imperial seal. Save my cousin, and you will be doing me a great favor!”
Succumbing to his lover’s entreaties, the emperor asked for a piece of yellow paper and a brush. As he prepared to write, he looked up at Yan Qing and said, “I forgot your name.”
“Your servant is called Yan Qing.”
So the emperor wrote the following on the paper: “The emperor does hereby pardon Yan Qing of all crimes. Let no official arrest or question him.” He then signed his name at the bottom. Yan Qing kowtowed and received the pardon, while Li Shishi raised a cup to the emperor to thank him for his benevolence.
Well, that was … kind of easy. Give the emperor’s lover some money, play her a few tunes, flash some skin, and voila! Your own personal get-out-of-jail-free card.
The emperor asked Yan Qing what he knew of the bandits from his stay on Liangsha. This was the opportunity that Yan Qing had been waiting for, and he replied, “Song Jiang and his gang erected a giant banner that says, ‘Delivering Justice on Heaven’s Behalf,’ and they have named their main hall Loyal and Honor. They do not attack or occupy local towns and cities, nor do they disturb innocent civilians. They only kill corrupt and greedy officials and wicked men. They are just pining for an amnesty so that they can serve the state.”
So, obviously Yan Qing was skimming over some of our heroes’ past actions, like all the times when they attacked and occupied local towns and cities and disturbed innocent civilians, but in an age without recording devices, who’s gonna contradict him?
The emperor now asked, “I had sent two offers of amnesty to them, so why did they refuse and continue to resist?”
“The first time,” Yan Qing explained, “the decree did not offer a single kind word to reassure them, and the imperial wine was switched with country brew, so that foiled the effort. The second time, the imperial decree was intentionally misread to say that Song Jiang was to be purged, and so that fell through as well. When Tong Guan went there with an army, they were wiped out in two battles. When Marshal Gao commanded another army and conscripted civilians to build his navy, they didn’t even make the bandits lose a single arrow. In three battles, he was routed and his army suffered heavy casualties. He himself was captured alive and was released only after he agreed to procure another offer of amnesty. He brought two of the Liangshan chieftains with him and left Scholar Wen at Liangshan as a hostage.”
The emperor sighed when he heard this. “I would’ve never known!” he lamented. “That Tong Guan came back and said the soldiers were falling ill on account of the heat and so he temporarily called off the campaign. When Gao Qiu came back, he said he had fallen ill and could not advance, so he returned to the capital.”
Li Shishi chimed in, “Your majesty is most wise, but your channels of information have been cut off by wicked officials.”
It was now getting late, so Yan Qing thanked the emperor again for the personal pardon and went to rest, while the emperor and Li Shishi retired to her bed as well. Around 5 a.m., the young eunuch came and escorted the emperor back to the palace.
When morning came, Yan Qing got up and said he had to go take care of some things. He left Li Shishi’s home and went back to the inn to tell Dai Zong what transpired the night before.
“That’s great news!” Dai Zong said. “We should go deliver the letter to Marshal Su now.”
So the two grabbed some quick breakfast, took a basket of gold and valuables, and set out for the marshal’s residence. They asked around on the street outside the residence and learned that Marshal Su had not yet returned from the palace.
“But the court should have adjourned by now,” Yan Qing asked. “So why isn’t he back yet?”
“Marshal Su is his majesty’s confidant,” the neighbor told him. “He’s always by the emperor’s side. It’s hard to say when he’ll be back.”
But just then, someone said, “Hey, here he comes!”
Yan Qing told Dai Zong to wait outside while he went to see the marshal. As he approached, he saw a group of well-dressed attendants escorting a sedan chair. Yan Qing kneeled on the street and said, “I have a letter for the marshal!”
Marshal Su told Yan Qing to follow him inside his residence. Once inside, the marshal sat down in his library, summoned Yan Qing, and asked who he was.
“I’m from Shandong Province,” Yan Qing said. “I have a letter from Strategist Wen.”
“Which Stratetgist Wen?” Marshal Su asked.
Yan Qing offered up the letter. Marshal Su took one look at the envelope and went, oh, that guy! He then opened the letter, which said:
“With hands washed clean and kowtowing a hundred times, I write this missive to the Respected Marshal. It has been 30 years since I played in your home as a child. Recently, Marshal Gao summoned me to advise him on his campaign. Alas, he refused to listen to my loyal advice and suffered three defeats. It is too embarrassing to speak of. I was captured along with Marshal Gao. Fortunately, the hero Song Jiang is compassionate and forgiving and could not bear to do us harm. Now, Marshal Gao has brought Liangshan’s chieftains Xiao Rang and Yue He to the capital to ask for amnesty for Liangshan, while leaving me there as guarantee. I hope you will do your utmost to advocate to the emperor to issue an offer of amnesty soon, so that Song Jiang and the other heroes can receive his benevolence and render service to the state. It would be the country’s great fortune.
P.S.: Rescue me and give me life again! I anxiously await your reply and trust you will understand. In deepest gratitude, Wen Huanzhang.”
When he was done reading, Marshal Su was shocked and asked Yan Qing who he was. Yan Qing told him his name, presented the basket of bribes, I mean gifts, and said, “My brother Song Jiang has a trifle of a gift for you to express his sincerity. He is praying every day for you to rescue him. They are just waiting for you to bring them an offer of amnesty. If you can mention this to the emperor, the hundred thousand people on Liangshan would be grateful for your kindness. I have a deadline, so I must leave now.”
To see if all this effort will net the bandits that ever elusive offer of amnesty, tune in to the next episode of the Water Margin Podcast. Also on the next episode, the emperor would like a little chat with the guys who have been lying to him about the recent campaigns against Liangshan. So join us next time. Thanks for listening!
Major Characters in This Episode
| Last Name | First Name | Chinese Name | Pronunciation | Nickname(s) | Job | Star | Weapon | First appeared in episode | Wikipedia Entry |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sòng | Jiāng | 宋江 | Protector of Righteousness (呼保義), Timely Rain (及時雨) | Magistrate's clerk | Leader Star (天魁星) | 25 | Wikipedia Entry | ||
| Dài | Zōng | 戴宗 | Magic Traveller (神行太保) | Prison warden | Speed Star (天速星) | Sword | 54 | Wikipedia Entry | |
| Yān | Qīng | 燕青 | Prodigal / Wanderer (浪子) | Lu Junyi's attendant | Skillful Star (天巧星) | 87 | Wikipedia Entry | ||
| Huīzōng | 徽宗 | Emperor | 3 | Wikipedia Entry | |||||
| Lǐ | Shīshī | 李师师 | Courtesan | 101 | Wikipedia Entry | ||||
| Wén | Huànzhāng | 闻焕章 | Scholar | 108 | |||||
| Sù | Yuánjǐng | 宿元景 | Marshal | 84 |
Music in This Episode
- “Chinese Ways” by Michael Adels (intro and outro)
- “Ravines” by Elphnt (from YouTube audio library)
- “Dark Toys” by SYBS (from YouTube audio library)